The Top Flight
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The Next Peter Crouch?

By Andrew Chapados

DONCASTER, ENGLAND - JANUARY 09: Peter Crouch of Stoke City celebrates scoring his team's first goal during the Emirates FA Cup Third Round match between Doncaster Rovers and Stoke City at Keepmoat Stadium on January 9, 2016 in Doncaster, England. (Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images)
DONCASTER, ENGLAND - JANUARY 09: Peter Crouch of Stoke City celebrates scoring his team's first goal during the Emirates FA Cup Third Round match between Doncaster Rovers and Stoke City at Keepmoat Stadium on January 9, 2016 in Doncaster, England. (Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images) /
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January 30th marks birthday number 35 for big Crouchy and while the last two weeks have been clouded with doubt on whether or not he will stay with Stoke, one can’t help but support Mr. Roboto when it comes to arguing about his lack of minutes.

"“If I can’t play then maybe I do have to move on,”"

But…

Is He Replaceable?

Put bluntly, no.

Since surpassing Alan Shearer’s all-time header-goals record in the last game of the 2014-15 season (6-1 W over Liverpool), Crouch has not scored a Premier League goal. But this is assuredly due to having played only a handful of games.

While it’s obvious the summer signings of Ibrahim Affelay & Xherdan Shaqiri meant less opportunities for Crouch to come on as a substitute, his absence may go unnoticed to the untrained eye as Stoke have scored 22 Premier League goals so far this season compared to 23 at this point in 2014-15.

However, it may also be interesting to note that by Feb. 11 of last year, Crouch had scored 6 goals. Factor in that 16 of Stoke’s 23 league games this season have been decided by a differential of one goal or less, and the squad’s nine-slot on the league table becomes questionable.

A win over Arsenal (0-0) or draw with perhaps West Brom (2-1) or Crystal Palace (1-2) via a Crouchian header could have put them in a formidable position to gain entry into the top five with spots five to 11 on the league table separated by just six points.

A couple Crouch headers could help Stoke in the tables. (Photo by Nigel Roddis/Getty Images)
A couple Crouch headers could help Stoke in the tables. (Photo by Nigel Roddis/Getty Images) /

A New Giant?

The next question would be answered by a magic 8-ball with ‘outlook no so good’. We have yet to see any Striker of such stature have the success Crouch has. AS Monaco’s Lacina Troare (standing 6’8) is larger than Crouch and shows promise at 25, but has just three goals in 16 apps in Ligue 1.

Costel Pantilimon may be the next best uber-man at 6’8, but alas he is a goal keeper.

Sports Parallels

With no new Crouch-ites in the foreseeable future, we can still draw comparisons from other sports:

Crouch is not unlike Jaromir Jagr (43, Florida Panthers – NHL ), who despite being nearly a decade passed the usual hockey-player expiration date, has managed to keep up his goal-scoring numbers no matter his age or crest.

But, in order for a player of Crouch’s size to come along and be effective, there would need to be a revolution in the sport where a new breed of player makes a big splash, sort of like Stephen Curry in the NBA.

If you ask me (and I am asking), there simply are no signs pointing to an upcoming trend of giant, lanky soccer players who can make it up and down the pitch whilst being productive, not in five or even the next 10 years. For the same reason there are no 6’7 NFL players not named Rob Gronkowski scoring touchdowns, it’s just not a common body type.

Just as the names listed above, at least for the time being, Peter Crouch remains one-of-a-kind. It would be in Stoke’s best interest to put him in or ship him out, as history has shown there is always a team in need of the big man.

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