(the following piece is satire [think North Korean news broadcasts], so all of you Man U gloryhunters don’t go & get your big boy panties in a bunch!)
On the weekend just ended, Wayne Rooney, Massive Rooney Glorious One [MR. GO], scorer of recent World Record bicycle kick goal, was accused by subversive opponents & revolutionary operatives of false attack against them. The diabolical adversaries tried all afternoon to block the path of MR.GO on his way to glory goal for the making of more glory for Manchester United Ace Number One Team. The Evildoer in question who tried to harm & maim MR.GO, James McCarthy of Satanic Wigan Athletic, made failed attempt to block the path of MR.GO but as evildoers always lose thus McCarthy, like namesake of failed American Communist-hunter-liar, Joseph McCarthy, failed most spectacularly in his mission to defile the great game of football & the holy names of MR.GO & Man U Ace Number One Team.
The simple fact the evildoer in question shares name with Communist-hunter-liar only shows the deepest, dark depths to which glory-killers & satanic evildoers will move low to for attempted murder of spectacular & rightful glory as he is no doubt related to such demonic persons for why else would he have the sharing of family name?
Their devilish endeavors came to no fruition for all those interested in fair & good justice as Doctorate Oracle Sage, Mark Clattenburg, was not fooled by their attempted criminal sabotage of rightful glory-winning for MR.GO & Man U Ace Number One Team. However, in spirit of friendly diplomacy & happy friendship, DOS Clattenburg, did give away the foul to Satanic Wigan against MR.GO. The false & wrong foul was awarded only in misrecognition of self-defense attempt by MR.GO as he raised his elbow in perfect, athlete running style to combat glory-killing attempt by satanic evildoer which indeed caught the criminal in his diabolical head. This led to DOS Clattenburg’s compromising compensation award of false foul. The Erudite Learned Knowledge Masters of FA have thus reduced DOS Clattenburg’s pornography & geisha stipend by 3 hours & 3 women per day this weekend, respectively, however, as the act of friendly diplomacy & compromising compensation awarding was acted on unilaterally by DOS Clattenburg & not came from astute & most wise decrees of Erudite Learned Masters FA Council.
Wise Master Genius of Man U Ace Number One Team, Alex Ferguson, was expecting a typhoon monsoon hurricane storm to be created by Capitalist Pig Media ready to ruin the honorable nature of MR.GO. He sagely opined following top 4-0 thrashing of Satanic Wigan:
"“I have had a chance to see it,” said Ferguson. “There is nothing in it.“But, what will happen, the question has been asked and because it is Wayne Rooney the press will raise a campaign to get him hung by Tuesday or electrocuted or something like that.“It is unbelievable. Watch the press. It will be interesting to see it.”"
Indeed, Mister Wise Master Genius. There have never been more true & knowledgeable words ever spoken about any subject throughout the history & future of mankind.
But in the end of story, all is forgiven as MR.GO is now exonerated most rightfully by Erudite Learned Masters FA Council from malicious & unwarranted punishment & now the path is set for more glory goal on the way to glory as MR.GO will lead Man U Ace Number One Team to play against Capitalist Oil Machine Chelsea tomorrow evening. MR.GO can now play the epic, titanic giant match with most honor for helping on to win Most Shiny Premier League Glory Trophy over Heartless Arsenal French Cheater Club who lie in far, distant second place.